Old News

Feel free to use this page to leave your comments or thoughts on current or past news updates by Metal Thug.


Leader of one of the most prominent drug cartels in Mexico, Heriberto Lazcano, also known as "El Verdugo" (The Executioner); is gunned down in a shoot out with members of the Mexican armed forces.

This is a happy day, as Heriberto was not a nice man at all, with his likely involvement in several thousands of deaths. Mexicans are pleased, and cook a summer feast, even though it isn't summer.

Earlier this month, the Mexican navy had reported that additional troops were sent to the region where Lazcano was found, following the Zetas murder of a local officials nephew.

Considered one of the first true victories for the government in the last several years in the "war on drugs", even this event is marked by mismanagement and failure.

After the high-fiving, fist pumping, and clapping was over, everyone decided it was time to get back to business. One problem though, the body of "El Verdugo" is no where to be found. Reports are that it was turned in to the "local authorities", who are about as reliable as the local non-authorities.

No news yet on if anyone cared enough to shoot a picture, or draw a sketch of the dead body before the corpse came up missing.



After being sentenced to 15 years in the clink, a man reels back and knocks the shit out of his public defender, roughly 3 feet away from the presiding judge in York, South Carolina.

Outside of being generally hilarious, this would typically not be news worthy. However, it is an impressive double-fisted swing, with cuffs, right into this elderly gentleman's mouth. The effort warrants a news heading, and it is always interesting to think and wonder why people complete such idiotic actions - Nothing like making the hole just a little deeper, eh Lamarcus?


Thanks to the successful US Invasion, and ouster of Saddam Hussein; democracy flourishes in Iraq.

In a span of five days, from last thursday until today (monday), Iraqi officials have successfully executed 23 people, a milestone only surpassed by a more democratic day earlier this year when they offed over 30 people in a mere 24 hours.

The Iraqi government reports that majority of these people were executed for "Terrorism". No more detail is given.

Thankfully, just listing terrorism on the death certificate isn't quite enough, as U.N. bosses question the reasoning behind these executions. Joe Stork, director at Human Rights Watch breaks down these concerns when asking what these people were actually executed for, saying " 'Terrorism' does not tell us very much'".

For the people of Iraq however life is still grand, so long as they can avoid being executed; as democracy continues to shine on their great country.

They can now enjoy several new democratic benefits, such as electricity shortages, suicide bombings at the local market, and even lack of running water where they used to actually have running water.


The first not-government space flight to carry cargo, lifts off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. The SpaceX Rocket and its cargo filled "Dragon" capsule, will take supplies to the International Space Station.

A giant step for commercial space exploration, NASA plans to a award several billion dollars in contracts to different corporations in the coming years, to have private industry perform tasks generally left to government space agencies.

As of now, no one is sure if this is the best idea, or the right way to proceed as far as the continuing exploration of space is concerned. Much like John Hammond and the team at Jurassic Park, it would appear that they were more interested in doing what they set out to do, and less interested in questioning the actual benefits or merits of moving in this direction.


Just north of the heavily fortified border between North & South Korea, gunfire is heard as a solider executes other members of his unit and flees south.

The DMZ, as the border is known (short for De-militarized Zone); is the most militarized border in the world.

How the solider got across this border without being blasted apart by machine-gun fire, or having his leg blown off by a land mine, is still a mystery.

The KPA deserter is called a refugee in South Korea, and taken in for questioning. He makes headlines around the world for "escaping" across the border, and that is the story.

Showing the insanity of global politics, the solider is welcomed as a refugee, instead of arrested as a murderer. No one seems to care that he seemingly executed several people, likely at point blank range while they were eating breakfast, or performing some other mundane, daily task.


Fox News and its "followers", are still mad at Barack Obama. No one knows why, however it is assumed that it is because by large majority, they are "Republicans" - which seemingly means more than being American, or even human.


Following the debate victory from the the night before, Republican Party Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney, apologizes for saying earlier in the campaign that he didn't give a shit about 47% of the american people.

He says this in an interview with Fox News, the right leaning media giant whose majority of viewers most likely fall into the category of the 47% he said he didn't care about. Oddly enough, this fact alone proves he was just being an asshole, as probably half of the 47% he threw to the lions were in fact always going to vote for him in the up coming election.

The Fox News viewership is for some reason happy - happy that Mitt admits he shouldn't have said what he did, even though all of these people were going to vote for him anyway, and just ignore the fact.

This came easy, as they have been ignoring/making excuses for everything else he has said and done thus far - With the sole purpose being to get him into the oval office - so they can be out from under the socialist, terrible, oppressive, tyrannical rule of the "Evil President Saddam Barack Mohammad Obama".


After a restless slumber, democrats across the country continue to deny President Barack Obama's debate failure from the evening before.

While not as cute as an ugly, small dog that is so ugly it is cute, in virtue of this denial the democrats are still cute enough to be recognizably seen as "pretty damn cute".

In an amazing, 17 year old female type response, the democratic majority of the US continues to act like the debates matter, as if most viewers hadn't already decided who they were in fact going to vote for. Once this is embedded into their minds, they then pretend that their boyfriend won the fight, even though he kind of got his ass kicked.

Small, ugly dogs everywhere shed a tear, as US democrats creep up on them like Jack the Ripper for the # 1 spot on the "Top 10 cutest things" list.


In anticipation of the debate between current US President Barack Obama and Republican party nominee Mitt Romney, Facebook pages and twitter accounts explode with pithy quotes and witty remarks from supporters of both men.

In general, it is annoying - As a rule no one will be changing their allegiance after this debate, or most others .

The debate goes as planned, with both candidates misrepresenting the shit out of facts, and not being clear on several points. Romney is the more forceful and confident of the two, and Obama is declared the "loser".

Obama fails to bring up any of the damaging things which Romney has said this election season, and Romney himself details his tax cutting plan by not detailing it at all.


CNN reports that a woman from Utah has started a grass roots campaign urging her fellow Mitt Romney supporters to collectively fast and pray - fast and pray for a Romney victory in the upcoming US presidential election. The initiative, beginning with just her and her several children, has now gone national.

Though the effects of group prayer are still up for debate, no one had the heart to tell the poor lady that a bunch of people not eating, would have absolutely no tangible effect on the outcome of the election.


Last evening, two ferries collided off the coast of Hong Kong during short cruises, filled with passengers celebrating China's National Day.

One of the ferries sank in a very short amount of time, after it pitched and rolled in the water before quickly going under the murky surface. The terrifying reality of the situation is detailed below by one of the survivors:

"I opened the window and pushed a child out. I put a life jacket on him and pushed him out first," he told i-Cable. "At the time, it was very chaotic. The boat was completely standing straight up in the water. It was chaotic. All the tables and chairs were everywhere. It was like a slide; everything was sliding down."

So far, 38 people are confirmed dead, and several more are missing. Rescue crews continue to search for survivors, and 7 crew members have been arrested on suspicion of negligence.

RIP to all who perished, and unless the crew was indeed suberbly negligent, here is hoping some mercy is had for them as well, since I'm sure the situation was just as shitty for crew as it was for everyone else on board.


10 years after randomly murdering people who were trying to get gas or go shopping for craft goods; Lee Boyd Malvo, the sole living member of the two man "D.C. Sniper" crime duo - states that he is a "monster" and that he is now "sorry".

No one gives a shit. They don't give a shit, because he and his kinda-sorta father - something-something Mohammed, ruthlessly gunned down innocent civilians, from drone-like distances and for no good reason. Malvo is now 27, and unlike most people in prison, he does not deserve the vaunted "Second Chance".

Fuck Lee Boyd Malvo, he's a faggot.

Everyone agrees.


Dental hygienists all across the globe throw their hands up in fury, after watching Michael Vick speak of his success, as the Eagles defeat the Giants on NFL Sunday Night Football.

The Eagles are victorious in a close contest, after being lead by QB Michael Vick and RB LeSean McCoy to a total of 19 points.

Vicks teeth cause discomfort during the post-game interview, however Philadelphia sleeps well; in the yellow, buttery-hue of victory.


As reported by the U.S. Geological Survey, another large earthquake strikes the America's in a span of just a few days, when the 7.4 magnitude quake rattles parts of Columbia. (Epicenter 10 miles outside the city of La Vega).

Nixon's silent majority would have preferred that the Earthquake Gods kept venting their anger in the direction of the drug cartels of Mexico - however, said Gods seemingly don't give a shit what the population prefers, and today they award FARC and the good people of Columbia with an "EQG"- branded can of "you don't want none of this".


The semi-official media and news outlet of Iran (Fars News Agency) writes an article on a Gallup poll from the US that supposedly reported that the majority of Americans would vote for Iranian President Ahmadinejad over current US President Barack Obama.

On top of taking credit for an article they essentially stole from another website, they also forgot to use due dilligence when fact checking and confirming the the authinticity of their source. The source in this case, was The Onion.

Hilarity ensues as Will Tracy, editor of the Onion, played along once the news fuck up was widely reported, and responded via email in typical Onion fashion.


Shocking the country out of it's slumber, Apple CEO Tim Cook apologizes to customers across the world - due to frustration with the shoddy, incomplete, bug-ridden Apple Maps program.

Mr. Cook almost admits that "Apple Maps" is in fact an inferior product, when compared to it's robust counter part from Google - but instead talks about how "the more of our customers use Maps, the better it will get" and explains that some shoddiness should be expected, as they had to build Maps from the ground up.

No one really believes him, and the tech world sits in silence as Apple finally fails at something, since they couldn't just steal it and say it was theirs to begin with.

The general population moves on, and just keeps using Google Maps.


Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu speaks at the U.N. General Assembly in New York. The focus of his speech is on Iran's nuclear capabilities. Using a shitty drawing, he points at this elementary picture of a bomb and proceeds to complain about the U.S. strategy in dealing with Iran, and states that the US, and allies should set a military intervention deadline.

As he is speaking, the good people of the world cringe at the hypocrisy, as Ben is so worried about another nation in the region having nuclear power - Even though Israel itself already has something much more than just nuclear power - it's very own nuclear weapons.

No one from Palestine was given an opportunity to speak after Netanyahu - though if they were, they might also have a picture of the region on display, and ask the world to set a military intervention deadline regarding Israel - for withdrawal of the Israeli troops that have been occupying their land for the last several decades.

Additionally, the people of the West Bank might also ask if any of the UN member nations can put an end to the Jewish government approved land-theft settling program, in which year after year, inch by inch, the israeli's continue to ignore the Oslo accords, as their settlers continue to encroach upon the small strip of land that Israel has "generously" left to Palestine.


Drug overlords and shit-bag narco-murderers all across the Baja Peninsula, disperse in terror and sprint for cover.

Hopefully, some are smashed by giant boulders and crumbling buildings; as a 6.2 magnitude earthquake strikes just north of La Paz, Mexico.

The good citizens of the country breath easy, as an earthquake is less frightening than a typical day in the life, which involves hoping some moron doesn't kill you in a drug war.


A full day after Gov. Edmund Brown signs the autonomous-vehicle bill into law, the people of California continue to over state the reality of self-driving cars. Sergey Brin, google co-founder, predicts that these vehicles will be on public streets in less than 5 years - Ignoring the fact that the bill doesn't even make it legal to "drive" these cars.

The bill in actuality is more or less an acknowledgement of existence, and road map for future regulations, as opposed to a giant leap into the future - Which is what Google and the government of the Grizzly Bear State would have you believe.


US President Barack Obama addresses attending world leaders at the UN General Assembly in New York. He touches on the recent death of Chris Stevens, US Ambassador to Libya, and also "calls out" Iran and Syria. Additionally, he speaks about the overall "positive" impact of US involvement in the Middle East.

Many citizens of the United States don't even know that this speech is taking place, and those that do, end up joining those who don't by ignoring the UN General Assembly all together. Most Americans instead focus on the blown call from the night before, during the Packers VS Seahawks game.


Police officers in Houston, Texas, respond to a call from a home for the mentally ill, located in the same city. Officers arrive, and resident Brian Claunch is out of control and going shit-magic crazy.

While law enforcement is attempting to get the situation under control, the mentally-ill-amputee Claunch, rolls his wheel chair forcefully into one of the responding officers, and starts to attack him.

Claunch is killed after officer Matt Marin fires several rounds "all up in that bitch ass", in an attempt to protect his fellow responding officer.

The media complains that officer Marin should have known/assumed that Claunch "only had a pen, and meant no harm". Other citizens willingly degrade amputee's everywhere, by commenting that Claunch could not possibly have done damage to the physical well being of either officer, as he was disabled.

Everyone else, is just happy. Happy that they do not have to deal with the situation - and then explain their actions, after an aging, mentally ill amputee tries to kill them.

Really though, what are guns for if you can't shoot someone who is going Count-fucking-Chocula crazy, and attacking police officers?


Corrie Sanders, former heavyweight boxing champion, and Wladimir Klitschko conquorer, is murdered in South Africa. He is gunned down in an apparent robbery attempt, though details are few and far between as of now. He was 46 years old - RIP Champ.


Vitor Belfort shocks the world and successfully locks Jon Jones into an arm bar at UFC 152. This is surprising and amazing, on two different levels: One, why is Vitor Belfort pulling guard, and two why did Jones fall for an arm bar and actually have trouble getting out of it (As he is Jon Jones).

Vitor Belfort almost gets Jon Jones to tap, and children hum the tune of the lost city of Atlantis, as the planets shift; in light of this fantastical almost-happening.


Apple's iPhone 5 is released. The tech world and general public overreact, and proceed like it is the second coming of peanut butter & jelly.

Samsung phone lovers bitch about Apple. Everyone else who already owns the iPhone 4 or 4s, and does not have a free "upgrade", sighs in relief as they do not have to drop an additional 199.99 for a new phone that they don't really need. (But would have to buy due to overreaction and other factors, if said upgrade was available).


After nude photos of Britain's likely future queen, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, are leaked and published in French and Italian magazines; publications in Denmark and Sweden follow suit and announce they will also publish said photos.

A short time later, everyone in Scandinavia roams back to a computer - And concludes that much sexier, and more attractive girls, participating in activities more pleasing than being "nude", are commonly (and thankfully) found in online porn.


Mitt Romney vows to repeal President Obama's healthcare legislation, also known as "Obamacare", while speaking at a Univision Forum on Wednesday. Apparently, Fox News thinks it is "News" that Mitt Romney wants to repeal something that Obama has done. He also makes a Grandfather joke - No one laughs because he isn't funny.

Interestingly enough, Univision forgot to ask Romney if his stance on health care had anything to do with the fact that he has always had access to health care, as well as the ability to afford it. Pussies.


A French satirical magazine runs cartoons showing the Prophet Mohammad. Some of the followers of Islam are enraged. No one else gives a shit, since it's just a cartoon.


Post a Comment